PDA (Public Display of Affection)

I’m happy to be rather (tastefully) chummy in public, as long as we actually look like a plausible couple to people around us. I know, it’s subjective, but most people have a sense for this (if you don’t look like you could be my dad/son, we’re probably fine?).

Also, our behavior must be appropriate to our surroundings. Although I may seem magical, my presence does not actually exempt anyone from social norms while in public.

Remember, in private, our fantasy knows no bounds…but we cannot expect members of the public to participate in it. No one within eyesight or earshot should be able to infer our arrangement (please also keep your words discreet, and don’t call me Annie in public). Please understand that I only ask this in order to maintain my own discretion.

Appearances

Clothes

I would generally call my personal style “elevated grey man.” I strive to match your style, as well as that of our environment. If you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, that’s totally fine! But please give me a heads up. If I show up in a little black dress and heels, and you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt, this is actually a liability that will betray our arrangement to everyone nearby.

Conversation

Don’t ask, “So, where are you from?” in the hotel elevator/lobby. That tells everyone nearby that you don’t know me…while you’re taking me to your room. No need to be a silent ninja! But let’s stick to discussing the weather in those spaces, and again, please don’t call me Annie there.

Breaking the Ice

No haunting of the elevator corridors, please (booooo…). Security cameras watch that area, and if either of us wait for the other there instead of meeting near the entrance like normal human beings, hotel staff clock this as suspicious behavior. Simply meet me in the lobby with a warm “hey, you!” like we’ve always known each other. This is the most discreet and natural way to meet.

Hygiene

Smells

Please be immaculately clean. Sometimes smells that we and our loved ones grow to tolerate over time can be off-putting to someone new. Please shower immediately before meeting. If that isn’t possible, you can do so during our meeting time. If I ask you to wash again, please don’t take it personally. My nose is just something of an over-achiever.

Hair/Nails

If your facial stubble is rough, please shave. If you have facial hair, trim it neatly and use a nicely-scented beard balm/oil. If you were to kiss someone, your mustache should not be covering your lips such that it unavoidably enters your intimate partner’s mouth (seriously, read that article if you have a long mustache). Trim nails short and smooth.

Breath

Brush teeth and use mouthwash before getting close.

Germs

Wash your hands before getting close.

No phimosis.

Privacy, Decency, and Realism

There are some things better left unsaid and undone.

Privacy

Do not try to find out any of my personal information. If you find yourself compelled to do so, I highly recommend…not. There are far more productive and rewarding pursuits to put your mind to.

Decency

Do not try to get me to change our arrangement to anything that does not benefit me financially or otherwise. This unfortunately sometimes happens after a period of good behavior/gift-giving, when someone feels he has “earned” the right to special treatment (boundary-breaking). In reality, this only earns a goodbye from me.

No disrespectful questions about my lifestyle, and no political or religious debates. Let’s always try to keep conversations light, encouraging, and fun! Think low stakes, high spirits.

Realism

Please don’t go into this secretly hoping for me to one day become your girlfriend (in the standard definition of the word). Spending time or money on someone should be done because you enjoy it for its own sake, not because you think it will win me over on a deep level.

I’m also not interested in any dynamics that become overly intense or psychologically complicated.

Spending time with me is not a replacement for therapy. That’s way above my pay grade. While I’m honestly happy to listen to a little venting, or for you to share emotional revelations, I need your mindset to always be grounded in reality. I promise to meet you there!